I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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