A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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