my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
