Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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