I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
