Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
