In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Sober January is a disaster.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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