he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
