I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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