My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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