Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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