I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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