Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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