I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
