i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
