i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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