So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
