dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was born a porn star she said
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
