Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize