Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
