Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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