Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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