cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
dude. I can hear the air.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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