i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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