cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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