I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
