I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
