I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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