Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize