Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
