If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
