the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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