Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
