Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
