Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he laminated a picture of his dick.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
