i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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