operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
