Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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