I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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