I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
