Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Boobs are out for the taking
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
