i permit you to call me
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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