Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
