We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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