Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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