So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
