i need an iv and a liver transplant
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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