operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
