I could make wine with my vomit
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
