I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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