My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
