areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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