i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
