It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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