Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize