Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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