he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
