I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
